Magical Defense Against the Astral Zombie Apocalypse

A Quick Start Guide

Science makes a lousy religion.

Last week a coworker was telling me the story of how his landlord was stabbed 10 times after responding to a noise complaint. Apparently the knife was still sticking out of the man’s chest when the cops showed up and the whole complex was a bloody mess. I remarked that I read about the story in the news and gave my condolences about his dead landlord, but he said that his landlord survived. That’s when I realized I was recalling a similar story that happened around the same time, but unlike my friend’s story the one I had in mind actually ended up on the news because someone died.

Hawaii didn’t used to be like this. Every day in the news there’s another homicide or car crash or some granny getting raped at the mall. These stories would have horrified local residents just a few years ago, but now it’s so common that it’s difficult to bring up specific cases without getting them confused with all the rest.

But of course you don’t need me to tell you things are getting crazy out there. If everything was normal you wouldn’t be rolling the dice to see if a “right-wing” conspiritualist surfer druid from Hawaii could make more sense than the stream of burbling effluent that the propagandists have been feverishly squeezing out lately.

Crime is up, and not just the normal symptoms of a decaying society but some really crazy stuff. People are running around shooting, stabbing and bashing each other with blunt force objects, crashing cars for no apparent reason, and even taking on cops without provocation. This country is looking more and more like a Waffle House at 2am on a Sunday morning after all the bars let out, except the patrolman normally assigned to that location got called away and someone mixed methamphetamine into the maple syrup.

Why are people acting like this? There are a number of reasons including unrelenting economic pressure, cognitive dissonance-induced psychosis from the lugenpresse, and even the noticeable drop in food quality causing nutrient starvation even though the hunger cravings are mostly covered up with fillers. There was also this event you might have heard of where 80% of the population was coerced into taking experimental drugs that were supposedly “safe and effective” but turned out to be the largest medical disaster in human history. Severe neurological damage has been well documented along with heart attacks and turbo cancer, and a general cognitive decline means a growing chunk of the population can no longer keep up with the demands placed on them and as a result are becoming increasingly confused and frustrated. More disturbingly the Pfizer and Astrozenica shots have been linked with actual psychosis according to a recent peer-reviewed study from the Frontiers in Psychiatry journal.

Starting to sound familiar?

Just as it is with all the other side effects, the victims who seek help their doctors are gaslit and told get some extra sleep, take some expensive pills, but definitely DON’T blame it on the thing that we forced you to take in order to participate in society. Meanwhile friends and family are dropping dead all around them, violent psychotic behavior has become commonplace, and most people are still too terrified to ask meaningful questions.

A growing number of conspiracy theories are circulating around the intention of our evil elite class to create a compliant work force incapable of rebellion while remove excess populations. If that’s the case they only succeeded on one front. Excess deaths are at an all time high, but instead of sickly lobotomized obedient workers they turned George Romero into a prophet and unleashed a bunch of rage zombies on the rest of us.

Sorry. Fresh out.

Obviously the current phenomena differers greatly from the pop culture version, so this is probably a good time to explain the Astral Zombie hypothesis. First off I’m not just riffing on the Misfits song even though it would make the perfect anthem for the World Health Organization. Occult philosophy could be basically defined as the appreciation for different levels of existence. What humans are mostly concerned with is the material plane and it’s meat, rocks, water, metal, etc. Above that is the etheric plane which is related to the vital energies and all the stuff that your western doctor doesn’t want to talk about but your acupuncturist will. The astral plane is above that, and to keep it simple we’ll just call it the realm of images and emotions. This is why it’s considered black magic when marketing executives pump your cortex full of images that convince you that you need something that you really don’t. The astral is also really massive and full of all sorts of beings, some of whom are very nasty.

Typical unawakened humans have natural defenses against these ast-holes, and one of the reasons spiritual teachers warn their students to stay away from drugs is that they tend to drop your shields and open you up to influences that can really ruin your incarnation. Based on the psycho-spiritual deficiencies that many energy healers have noticed among the vaccinated it’s possible that the gene therapy drugs also managed to crack open billions of crown chakras and turned Western Civilization into an all-you-can-eat buffet for any entities who stumble through the door.

Speaking of the realm of images, isn’t it also curious how we’ve been inundated by zombie, vampire, and dystopian revolution movies over the past few years? Were the muses of our pop culture writers trying to warn us of what was coming, or did the group spirit of our species recognize that a resource overshoot-based culling was imminent let us choose a peculiar collective fate? That’s above my pay grade, but the message I’ve been instructed to pass on is that we don’t have to just kick back and surrender our juicy delicious brains without a fight.

The worst person to be in a war is the one who doesn’t even know a war is going on. Congratulations. At least you’re not THAT GUY any more. The next step is to to start considering what sort of arms one requires to fight invisible warfare, and fortunately our species hasn’t completely forgotten all the work we spent developing such tools over the past few thousand years.

Ceremonial Magic

This is the one I’ve been practicing for the better part of a decade now. I’m still on the bunny slope and haven’t been invited to hangout with the cool kids yet, but trying to become less of a jackass and reducing my habit of self inflicted torture has payed off unexpected dividends. Turns out all that wax-on wax-off Karate Kid stuff actually blocks some punches after all, and even slow learners like me can get some noticeable gains after lots and lots of practice.

The closest thing I could compare it to is Jedi mind tricks. When a zombie walks up to me and wants to snack on my energy field they can’t find anything to grab on to. This usually results in them wandering off to bother someone else, or hanging out long enough where I can slip them a little positive energy and remind them of the living world that they left behind. All that joy and beauty is mostly lost on a zombie just going through the motions, but sometimes a gesture of warmth and kindness is enough to make them desire human interaction again. If they want to start their journey back it’s up to them, but when I see them snap out of it for a minute or so it feels very gratifying, especially knowing that it would be much more difficult for them to find that little ray of sunshine on their own.

It’s not just the zombies that benefit from your practice. Fellow survivors will appreciate it too.

Just to be clear we’re not talking about axe murderers who are already in the middle of a killing spree, just the average confused angry person throwing negative energy at any convenient target. There are people out there who can handle the extreme cases with magic, but I’m not there yet. On the other hand I’ve noticed that I’m usually not around when stuff goes down, unconsciously sensing a need to get out of dodge before things get ugly.

Bad stuff happens to good people all the time of course, and until you get to the higher levels of your practice this is no replacement for a concealed carry license or self defense training. That said how many deaths or serious injuries have I avoided by disciplining my mind to not engage the wrong drivers on the freeway or the wrong people on the street? Difficult to say, but life seems to run much smoother when I do the work as opposed to the days when I slack off.

The part that turns people off about this approach is that it often requires daily rituals and meditation for several years to build up enough proficiency to have a substantial impact on others, but then again that’s also a deterrent for those who would use it for selfish and ultimately self-destructive ends. The version I’m slowly working through is the Celtic Golden Dawn which has lots of training wheels and guard rails in place, all of which I greatly appreciated when dealing with a bunch of unbalanced habits. If you are looking for a similar system I would recommend spending some time observing the state of those who regularly practice it. Are they fun to be around and doing well, or is there lots of drama and excuse making? If it’s the latter then keep searching for something else.

If dedicating years of your life grinding through symbolism and bizarre commitments doesn’t sound like your bag then don’t get discouraged. The most important ritual for zombie defense is actually quite simple and potent. The effectiveness of a banishing ritual every morning cannot be underestimated whenever you find yourself in hostile territory. If performed with appropriate effort of visualization you will notice a similarity to putting on mosquito repellant before spending a day in the swamp.

Talismans

Anyone can make their own talismans fairly easily, but for the beginner who needs some relief right away and has a few hundred bucks to spend I’d highly recommend getting it from a professional. You wouldn’t skimp on your EDC kit, and having something that can stop a fight before it starts is even more valuable. Buy once, cry once as they say.

Pretty much every culture has them, and the good ones are well worth it.

One way of explaining Talismans is that they draw power from the much larger force represented by the physical object. These forces have many names and personalities, and given the fact that the universe is far more vast than the distant bits of matter we can view from our telescopes, the options for customizing the purpose of talismans is nearly endless. The difficulty with talismans is choosing the right one, especially if you are on a limited budget. This is where a qualified expert can help. Instead of trying to be your own doctor sometimes it’s better to present the issue you are having and let the them choose something that will actually suit your needs. Often the stuff we fret over is a just the iceberg tip of a deeper issue, and it’s good to have a third party perspective to point us in the right direction.

As far as anti-zombie effects go the sky is the limit. You want the strength and cunning to take on a zombie horde? There’s a talisman for that. You want the zombies to ignore you? There’s a talisman for that. You want to the zombie to fall in love with you? Not a great plan… but maybe you can enhance your healing powers, turn yourself into a lovable person, and find someone who can truly fulfill your needs rather than waste time in a situation that would likely make everyone miserable.

Wait until you meet her mother in law

There are also practices worth mentioning like prayer, natural magic, affirmations, etc and I certainly use those as well, but the reason I focused on the first two is that they put the emphasis on changing yourself in order to better fit the new reality. Survivors are the ones who can leave behind their bad habits, adopt useful strategies, and deal with crises without losing their cool and making things worse. In the traditional zombie lore that means learning how to disable/dismember the undead as efficiently as possible, hoarding whatever resources one comes across, and never trusting other survivors until they prove themselves worthy.

Survival strategies for the astral zombie apocalypse turn this model on it’s head. The most effective approach in this reality is to become a beacon of light to the lost, a friendly voice of reassurance for the doubtful, an example of self control amongst the wicked, and a reminder of what the world could be like if we put all the selfish conventional brainwashing aside and started developing our true inner potential.

Disclaimer:

When dealing with TV zombies it’s usually best to aim for the head, but in our current predicament things aren’t so cut and dry. Sometimes you can get their hearts started again, but this approach doesn’t come without risk. Human behavior in western nations has become increasingly violent and erratic lately, and therefore it is not safe to take any threats lightly. Remove yourself from bad situations whenever possible and be prepared to active decisively if the necessity arises.

Also when your’e on the road remember to give them plenty of space